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Friday Question: Family
December is typically a month with a very strong theme of "family" and "togetherness," which can be quite tough for survivors and ace people alike, since both groups tend to be more likely to be estranged from family. So I've been thinking about family in several different ways lately, and I'm wondering if others have this on their minds, too. What does family mean to you?
Friday Question – Milestones
Sometimes we can't help knowing that a certain anniversary is coming up if it has emotional meaning. Sometimes the way we mark time is not even overly personal, but days that have meaning for many people, such as holidays, can still feel different depending on what you have been through and what you associate with those days. Also, sometimes a milestone does not have to happen by default or fall on a particular day. We set milestones or goals for ourselves all the time, telling ourselves, "I will finish this book" or "I will go to the grocery store," like to-do lists or bucket lists. It is important to remember to celebrate little accomplishments, and try not to become obsessed with possibilities of not handling something well or not doing something "right" or "in time." It can be helpful to have a mixture of short-term and long-term, easier and harder, goals, so you consistently feel like you are living meaningfully but you also always have things to look forward to.
Friday Question – Self-Care, Expanded Conceptions
What are some forms of self-care for you that people don't typically suggest/encourage or think of as self-care? - Are there things that you do to take care of yourself that you've had a hard time recognizing as a form of self-care? Have any of your needs gone unmet because of this? - Are there things that others often suggest as self-care that just don't work for you? What are they, and do you know why it is they don't work for you? If you can articulate that, it may help with explaining to those people why they should stop suggesting that to you, or possibly help you figure out what it is that you need instead. - Is it helpful for you to, as Miri put it, "distinguish between the self-care we do to replenish and sustain ourselves, and the self-care we do to prevent ourselves from falling to pieces completely"—in other words, to think about self-care very differently depending on what you need in the moment? What kinds of self-care work better when you need to replenish/sustain, and which work better when your goal is to just keep yourself together?
Hyper-kink-mode
It’s a weird feeling, to suddenly need certain kink things, to have a sudden craving so strong it suggests sometimes dangerous lengths and abandonment of boundaries and safety practices. I never know how long these things’ll last. Sometimes it’s just a day, sometimes it’s months. And it sure doesn’t feel like it will ever stop. (It’s everywhere and everywhen, how could it stop?) And it can be years in-between, and I can forget how to handle them, get out of practice, lose all my contacts and coping strategies. I don’t expect it to happen again.
Friday Question – Colors
Color psychology analyzes a lot of common associations between colors and emotions. Blues and cooler colors are supposedly soothing, greens and earth tones are grounding. Many restaurants are painted red with the intention of making customers hungry. It can be beneficial to understand how particular colors may influence or trigger you, since you could see those colors anywhere. What do different colors make you feel or think about?
a revolution for the crooked souls.
I’m a “bad” rape victim. A Model Rape Survivor doesn’t know her attacker. My rapist is essentially a stranger to me, but that night was not the first time I had met him. She is dressed modestly and cannot be held responsible due to those clothing choices. I wore one of my shortest dresses and no bra when I walked into his apartment. She’s virginal and chaste, only doing the appropriate sexual things with appropriate people. I considered myself a virgin at the time, though I’m sure other people might disagree, but I’d gone to his place to mess around in the first place.
Friday Question: Seasonal Changes
For a lot of survivors, trauma is kind of cyclical, and different seasons tend to bring with them different kinds of triggers or feelings. Sometimes we don't even realize the effect that seasonal changes have on us, but simply feel like things are suddenly different, and have a harder time coping without understanding why. It's a good idea to give some serious thought to how seasons can affect us, so today I want to offer some questions to get you thinking about that. Do seasons affect the way you experience your trauma? - Do you tend to feel more easily triggered during certain seasons? - Do seasons tend to affect your mood more generally? - Do you have different triggers or challenges to navigate during different seasons? - Are some of the ways that you use to cope not accessible to you during this time of year? Or, do you have more ways of coping than you would normally?
Friday Question: Ace Community
This week is Asexual Awareness Week, and I know that many of us have been doing things for it, even if it's something as low-key as just wearing ace pride colors. In light of that, I want to keep this week's question simple: What does the ace community mean to you? Where and how did you first connect with it? How did it feel? What sort of impact has it had on your life? Are there parts of it that are harder to connect to? Are there parts that feel more welcoming? What kinds of connection to the ace community do you have now? Is it changing in any way?
Friday Question: Self-Blame & Guilt
What are the things you need to/have had to let go of, to stop blaming yourself or feeling guilty? - To those of you who have managed to stop blaming yourself for what happened to you: what was most helpful? Was there something in particular that helped you realize that it wasn't your fault? - To those of you who still struggle with self-blame: What is it that you tend to get most stuck on? Sometimes, if we talk about these thoughts and feelings, it can help to combat them with logic, and to hear validation from an outside perspective.