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- By & For Ace Survivors
- Personal Narratives
- Intersectional Issues
- Asexuality & Mental Health
- Art Gallery
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Here goes everything
I discovered the Wikipedia page for asexuality in January of 2008. By September of the same year, I had PTSD. These two facts are not unrelated. The story is sickeningly cliche, to be honest. Young Queenie discovers asexuality a month and a half into her first romantic relationship. When she comes out to her boyfriend, he tells her, “You’re not asexual; we just haven’t tried the right things yet.” Young Queenie doesn’t have enough knowledge or self-confidence to stand her ground. Boyfriend pushes at her boundaries, seeing how far he can overstep them before Queenie freaks out and throws him off her or…
Friday Question: Revenge Fantasies
Do you ever have revenge fantasies or intrusive violent thoughts? How do you deal with them? - Have you ever tried processing through art, writing, music, or something else? Is there a particular form of processing that works best for you? - If you do discharge your fantasies through art or writing, it's often recommended that you then destroy the art or writing—destroying the evidence or a representation of your abuser can be even more cathartic than creating it. What method of destruction feels most cathartic for you? (For example, you might burn a letter, cut up a collage, or flush a drawing of your abuser down the toilet—I've even heard a story of a kid gleefully going #2 before flushing!)
On Sexual Abuse, Repulsion, and Aversion in the Asexual Community
I questioned for a long time whether or not I was sex repulsed or simply sex averse. A quick Google search will tell you that repulsion and aversion are synonyms, but our community hasn’t always used them in their dictionary defined sense. I think that we’ve differentiated these terms to help us better describe ourselves. In most contexts “aversion” has been used to mean “strong dislike” whereas “repulsion” implies physical reaction involving disgust. In theory, neither of these things actually involve sexual attraction (which we define sexual orientation on), they just happen to frequently accompany the asexual experience. Unfortunately sex aversion/repulsion also frequently accompanies the aftermath of sexual assault. This posed a dilemma for me: If I did feel sexual aversion, was it the result of my asexuality or sexual trauma?
Triggers Everywhere: Refocusing in College After Trauma
College can be hard even when nothing traumatic happens to you – especially in a physical therapy doctorate program – but navigating hallways where you could pass your rapist at any moment is hard on another level. And on a small campus, where he’s popular and you’re not? It can feel like all you can do is brace yourself. Forget support systems or telling anyone his name.
Friday Question: Educating Providers
Beyond the most basic asexuality 101 stuff, what is the one thing you most want medical, therapeutic, and other kinds of care and support providers to understand? - What are you worried won't be included in education efforts, or expanded upon enough to be fully understood? - What are your worries with regard to survivors being put in the spotlight by the wider ace community? What can you do to feel more safe during these discussions? - Do you have any suggestions to add to a list of additional reading materials to give out to providers? - What are some ways that you can educate your own providers that might feel safe(r) for you?
Violence Our Own Minds Play Out
Sometimes we visit violence upon ourselves, not just by intentionally harming ourselves or putting ourselves in dangerous situations, but by perverting things we enjoy or letting our mind run away with our feelings. It’s important to recognize the violence our own mind is playing out and address it, or else our mind wanders away.
Friday Question: Mistakes and Flaws
We all make mistakes, but due to the abuse many of us have suffered, we may tend to be overly harsh with ourselves when we do. We may feel that we are just "a bad person who deserves bad things," or dwell on times when we may have hurt someone even more than the person who we may have hurt does. How do you deal with your mistakes or flaws? - How do you feel when you realize you've made a mistake? - How do you feel when you think about a part of yourself that you'd consider a flaw? - Do you feel like your self-perception is really distorted by your trauma? - Are there any actions you can take that you have found can help you interrupt the cycle of self-blame or self-hatred? - What are some affirmations or validating words that you can use as a mantra to help you get through times when you feel really bad about your mistakes/flaws?
An Ace Survivor’s Manifesto
I am allowed to occupy space in the universe, regardless of how “difficult” or “complicated” or “messy” I may be. I am allowed to identify as a survivor or a victim or something else entirely. I am allowed to identify as asexual, even if I don’t know whether past experiences “caused” or “contributed to” my asexuality. I am allowed to use the words that work best for me. I am not required to defend my sexual orientation because of my status as a survivor. I am not required to defend my status as a survivor because of my sexual orientation.
Friday Question: Toxic Communities
How do you deal with a toxic atmosphere in your communities? - How does it affect you? Where do you feel it in your body? What emotions come up for you? - What sort of strategy to deal with it makes the most sense for you right now, in your current situation? Is it better for you to avoid the conflict right now, or tackle it head-on?